Back to work

I didn't sleep at all last night anticpating going back to work today. I was so nervous that I would just fall apart if anyone tried to hug me or console me. Fortuneatly, God gave me strength to get through the day without shedding a single tear on campus. I cried to and from work...but not at work. It's getting easier with each passing day physically but emotionally I'm on a roller coaster I can't seem to get off. I feel like a crazy person. I wish my body and my heart were healing at the same pace...

Fever is gone

Well, my fever is gone. My students did fine even though I was out an extra day. I'm exhausted tired. My heart hurts. The tears keep falling. But in my heart, I know it's all part of a bigger plan that I don't understand but trust in fully. This is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

Tears

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
We would walk right up to heaven
To bring you down again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.
When we are sad and lonely,
And everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."
Each time we look at your pictures,
You seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping,
We'll meet again someday."
~Unknown

Fever

This morning I woke up with a 102*F fever. I was also calling Dr. Kaufmann's cell phone directly. He gave me the number and said if I needed anything to call him. I try not to bother any of my doctors unless it's a real emergency. I justified running fever shortly after surgery to be an emergency. I was right. Josh took me into Dr. Kaufmann's office that morning and they did some blood work and checked my vitals which were pretty low (explained why I felt like I was going to pass out). My blood work didn't show infection but to be on the safe side I was prescribed a Z-pac. This was not how I wanted to wake up for sure! Looks like I won't be at work tomorrow either. Ugh...I just wish I could heal and be done with this! On a positive side, I didn't have to admitted to the hospital or ER and I got a bunch of really thoughtful cards in the mail from caring friends and family.

A Father's Grief

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

This is so much harder than I thought...

I really didn't know what to expect with a D&C. I know I was heartbroken all weekend leading into it. I had the strength to share the news with my co-workers and students on Monday and I was just ready to get it over with and move on by Monday night. Tuesday morning we got to the surgery center nice and early (around 5AM), checked in, filled out paper work, and then they prepped me for surgery. The nice nurse numbed my wrist before inserting the IV. I really appreciated that! Then the anesthesiologist came over to ask me a bunch of questions and I was in relatively good spirits. Finally, they allowed Josh to come back as we waited for Dr. Kaufmann to talk to us before he preformed the surgery. By that point, I was pretty ready for it to be over with! The anesthesiologist came back over and inserted the drugs into my IV. The nice nurse then told me when we got to the OR I would need to scoot onto the OR table. I looked at her and said, "Well Honey, you better wheel me faster because I see four of you already!" We all laughed but I was serious!!! Granted if they would have let me wear my glasses there may have only been two of her at that point but last time I checked I should only being seeing ONE!!! I vaguely remember the OR room with a blue sheet of paper on the bed I scooted onto. And then, I was out! I woke up feeling pretty tired, freezing cold, and really thirsty. The new NICE nurse brought me a warm blanket and some apple juice! I felt like I got the hook up! Pretty soon after my apple juice they brought Josh to the recovery room where I was sipping on some juice. He signed off on the instructions and then I got to get dressed and we went home. I was feeling pretty great that day! Those drugs are great...until they wear off the NEXT day. I was feeling good enough that I actually did our taxes!!! Sherri and Brooke came by to visit me after school and brought some goodies for Josh and I along with some flowers from them and some from a dear student's family. Later, Brooke came back with Sterling to visit me and that was pretty exciting too. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good that day. Today, well, today just plan sucks. The prescription doesn't seem to be taking away any of the pain or cramping. I don't really appreciate feeling this lousy. Especially since I was hoping to go back to work tomorrow. I pretty much laid on the couch all day long. Around 4:00PM Sherri came back over to check on me and that's when the flowers Oakmont sent me arrived. Shortly after that Alison Adkins, a fellow 4th grade teacher dropped off dinner on behalf of my 4th grade team. That was really sweet and greatly appreciated. Josh was pretty hungry!!! I pretty much determined I would probably not be at work tomorrow. If nothing else, I would need the rest. Today was pretty rough and it's only around 6PM!

Valentine's Day

I was pretty bummed out on Valentine's Day to say the least. It was the first day I was alone since we found out our baby died on Friday. Josh had to go back to work since he would be taking off to be home with me for my D&C surgery. I don't really remember doing much but crying that day. I felt badly because I normally make Josh a card and get him a prank Valentine's gift of some sort. This year was different because my whole world was shattered two days earlier. Around 4PM the doorbell rang and I generally don't open the door unless I know who is standing on the other side. For some reason I just assumed it was Josh and opened the door. It was not Josh. Instead, it was a delivery man sent by Josh. I really think I have the best husband in the world. I love Josh!!!!!