A Lament for my Baby

A Lament for my Baby

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"

Great News

I went in for my Post Op yesterday with Dr. Kaufmann. He didn't have the results of my genetic testing but he did have the tissue and blood work back. Everything turned out fine and there is still no answer as to why we miscarried. I suppose that's better than an answer that leads to reoccurring miscarriages. Anyway, the good news was that he changed his mind after my labs came in and basically told me that we didn't have to sit out 3 cycles. We are good to go as of yesterday!!! That doesn't mean we'll get pregnant that fast but it does take the stress of having to wait until June before we could "actively" try. I'm so relieved. It definitely helped cheer me up. Yea for good news!!!

An Angel Never Dies

I found some poems that really speak to my heart right now:

An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Reality?

I sometimes question if I was ever even pregnant or was this all a bad dream...I guess the proof speaks that it was real... See the heartbeat...


I have a feeling September 23, 2010 is going to be a hard day for me...Rest in peace tiny baby. We'll hold you in heaven one day...

Great surprise

Josh surprised me with a massage on Friday only the surprise didn't stop there! He then informed me he signed us up for monthly massages for a year!!! WOOHOO!!! How awesome is that? Plus, I can suspend the account WHEN I become pregnant again. I'm so excited. For signing up we were each given a box of Godiva chocolates. Now, I generally don't eat chocolate because it's not my favorite. I did open the box to look at the chocolates because the box looked fancy so I figured the chocolates would be fancy too and I was right! There was a star and heart shaped one among the four. I couldn't resist and tried the white star...it had raspberry goodness inside!!! YUMMY! After our wonderful massages (we met up there because of timing) we drove home to drop off one car and ride together to dinner. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory! Also, a BIG YUMMY!!!! We ended the evening with searching for a new couch. Here's what we found...





It was a great end to a fabulous evening.

Back to work

I didn't sleep at all last night anticpating going back to work today. I was so nervous that I would just fall apart if anyone tried to hug me or console me. Fortuneatly, God gave me strength to get through the day without shedding a single tear on campus. I cried to and from work...but not at work. It's getting easier with each passing day physically but emotionally I'm on a roller coaster I can't seem to get off. I feel like a crazy person. I wish my body and my heart were healing at the same pace...

Fever is gone

Well, my fever is gone. My students did fine even though I was out an extra day. I'm exhausted tired. My heart hurts. The tears keep falling. But in my heart, I know it's all part of a bigger plan that I don't understand but trust in fully. This is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.