I Don't Understand...

What is wrong with my body? I don't get it at all. Saturday I spot a little, Sunday I have more than I would consider spotting but then it goes away and nothing all day today? What's that about? I don't get it. Stupid body, if you are going to not be pregnant...then do it 100%. This is ridiculous...I can't stand it anymore. I have been on such a roller coaster of emotions this cycle it isn't even funny. How do you have a menstrual cycle that just stops? Am I pregnant? Am I not? At least yesterday I thought for sure I wasn't...now I'm doubting myself which is probably only going to lead to a much bigger let down tomorrow when I go in for my blood pregnancy test. This is so frustrating. I actually feel like I'm going to throw up right now from the emotional stress that is on me. Or, am I pregnant? I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a long break! I'm at the end of my rope...I need a break! Excuse me while I go throw up.

Flood Gates

I'm trying so hard to be positive but the flood gates keep breaking. My heart is broken. Only time will heal this pain, I hope. For now, I'm just staring at the pieces of my broken heart...

I'm 100% crushed

After going to bed thinking positively that it could just be implantation spotting and I could still very well be pregnant, I woke up this morning the same way. I didn't set my alarm clock but naturally got up around 7AM to go to the bathroom. I reached over to my nightstand to get my basal thermometer and put it in my mouth. The entire time thinking only about how badly I had to pee. It beeped and I didn't have time to read it at that point I had to go potty! I got in the bathroom half asleep and fumbling all over and realized half way through that I should probably take an early pregnancy test. Do you know how hard it is to stop peeing once you've already started? Well, it's very challenging. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised that there was not any sign of spotting or a full blown period. I waited my 3 minutes and read the negative that showed up on the pregnancy test. I went back to my basal thermometer and it showed a slight drop but I still went back to sleep feeling positive. You know, like blindly believing that there is a positive in all the obvious signs that point to NO. Around 10AM I woke up for good and had to go potty again so I did and that's when I found out I had a full blown period. At 12dpiui I have a full blown period and I just screamed out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Josh came running in from the living room to see what was going on and I had to tell him. It's hard enough to realize it yourself but to have to muster up the words to tell someone else who is going to be just has hurt is so difficult. He said, "It's okay" and walked out of the bathroom. I then joined him in the living room where we decided to build the dresser we bought yesterday to occupy our time and not think about it. I went to get a drink and Josh knows me so well, he knew I wouldn't be okay with it and be able to move on from the hurt that quickly. He got up from the floor and just gave me a giant bear hug and held me tightly gently kissing my forehead telling me it was going to be okay. "Everything is going to be okay." I think we stood like that for 10 minutes because that's how long it took for both of us to be convinced that it would be okay and we would bounce back from this heartbreak just like we have every other time. It never gets easier, in fact, I actually think the heartbreak gets harder each time to over come. It's a pain I can only compare to the pain I feel when someone I know and love dies. It hurts every fiber of my being and I feel a piece of myself die inside with the loss of hope each time it doesn't work out. Josh and I stopped hugging only because I was about to sneeze and with tears in our eyes we parted. He walked back over to the pieces of dresser and sat down and he could no longer see me. That's when the tears came flowing down my face like a flood. I fell to the floor in slow motion and leaned against the kitchen cabinets crying my eyes out feeling the cold tile floor send chills through out my whole body and that's when I died a little inside all over again. As I sat there with my face in my hands, I heard Josh calling for me but I couldn't get words out. I could barely even breath. I said a prayer and asked God what his plan was. I just don't understand. I just don't. It's all so painful emotionally, physically, and financially. I just don't understand. Why is this so hard? What is the plan? Am I not supposed to be a mom? That's the only thing in this world I have ever wanted to be. I cried until the tears no longer flowed and then I slowly picked myself up off the floor to carry all my pain, heartbreak, grief, and loss over to the sink where I wish I could just wash it all away. I got myself together and then helped Josh build a dresser. What else can you do? So the plan is to call the doctor's office tomorrow and let them know my period came and hopefully on Tuesday after the blood test Dr. Kaufmann can discuss the next step with us so we don't have to take another day off from work. I guess the good news would be we would have a plan of action ready to go in January 2010 when we will be able to afford to do it again. So for now I leave you with a lot of pain on my heart but still plenty of faith that God has a plan even though I clearly don't understand it. Oh, and a really nice dresser! :-) Here's a picture of the dresser from the Internet since Josh is still working on the frame at this time.

This is so confusing...

Today is 11dpiui which means only 3 more days until the blood pregnancy test on Tuesday. I have been peeing more than I have ever peed in my life, and no, I'm not drinking more either. I have had sore boobs for 2 days now and I'm completely exhausted. But is it because I'm pregnant or is it from medicince or is it in my head? I don't know. I've tried to not to think about it at all this cycle and I've done pretty well until today. Up until today, I haven't taken my basal body temperature. I haven't done the pee test for pregnancy. I haven't even read on the internet what all the signs "could" mean. I didn't want to stress myself out. So earlier today I went to my friend Melissa's baby shower and it was so sweet. There were a few times I felt myself about to get emotional and I just tried to block it out and surprisingly I was pretty successful. I'm certain no one noticed I started to get teary eyed. I got rid of it fast! After the baby shower I stopped off at a store to look at a dresser I saw on the internet that I fell in love with! I got to the store and loved it even more. I decided to go home and get Josh to take him to the store to see it himself. I was pretty excited since we've needed a dresser for a while but could never find anything we liked enough to buy and look at every day. I got Josh and convinced him to go with me and he finally agreed. By the time we got to the store I had to pee so bad my only mission was to find the bathroom. That's when it happened. I got in there unsuspecting and then that evil monster Aunt Flow showed her evil, ugly face. But only a little...just some spots. I came out of the bathroom and Josh knew immediately something was wrong. I told him and he tried to comfort me. He's such a great husband to be able to comfort me when he feels just as crushed. Anyway, we got the dresser and as soon as we got home I got on the internet to research on the internet what it could be. I did sneak a pee test which was negative. I also took my basal body temp which was still elevated. Neither bothered me since it would be too early to get a positive reading on a pee test and my basal being elevated was still a good sign which further made me think it could be implantation spotting. I am going to continue with my nightly medicine and try not to think about it. So I'm going to bed thinking positively.

Nausea is here to stay...

Well, yesterday I woke up feeling pretty nauseous and it hasn't gone away yet. In fact, it's gotten worse. Thanks to the progesterone I'm taking, no doubt. The cramping hasn't gone away either. This round has been pretty rough. It almost makes me miss the daily injections...at least with those it was a prick, a few minutes of stinging, and then just a sore abdomen for a few days, followed by bruising. This is constant dull pain in the abdomen and lower back, with a side of sore boobs, and nausea on top! Not to mention bloating and tiredness. I really pray there is a baby at the end of this 2 week torture. I promised my friends I wouldn't complain about pregnancy since it has been something I've wanted for so long...but, I don't know if I'm pregnant yet...so I get to complain for now! :-) No, I'm not really mad about it. I am actually really hopeful. Like I said before, I've got the luck of the Irish behind me and from what I hear, Irish people aren't ones you want to mess with! So, if my body knows what's best it will not go against the Irish! That's all I'm saying. But, for now, just know I feel awful and I still have until March 31 before I know if it's all worth it or not! Here's my little counter to keep us updated:

2 Days down...12 more to go

Okay so today is Day 2 Post IUI or (2dpiui) for short. Now, I looked back at my trusty infertility log from last cycle and realized that on this same day last cycle the only symptom I had was bloating. That is NOT the case this cycle. I have not stopped cramping since my IUI and I'm pretty sure I ovulated from both the left and right ovary because it was none too pleasant. I had sharp "ovulation" pains from both sides! Does that mean all 8 follicles ovulated? Oh, dear Lord, please don't answer my prayer to be a mother...by giving me 8 babies!!! I mean, I know beggers can't be choosers...but 8 is a little extreme. I am not going to complain on the number I would just like 1 healthy baby. If we get more, I will consider them all blessings. I am just praying like crazy that this cramping is a good sign. I am not kidding about the cramping though. I was laid up on the couch all day yesterday. It was so bad I text messaged my friend Sherri to loan me a heating pad. She's awesome, so she did. I'm using it as I type this too! But, anyway, going back to last month's cycle. I am thinking that this cramping business is a good thing since last month I didn't have it and I wasn't pregnant either. This month I do...so am I? Unfortunately, we won't know anything until March 31. That's 12 days from now, and yes, I'm keeping count! So, I guess I am going to stop rambling on and relax...it's still really EARLY!

Happy St. Patrick's Day...Hoping for all the luck!

Well, I went in this morning to have my IUI and it was going pretty well. Then, I started having really bad cramps in the waiting room before my I even had my IUI so I was a little worried that it was going to hurt. I requested some Tylenol but only took it about 15 minutes before my IUI. It still hurt really bad. I have had 2 IUI's in the past and none of them felt like that before. My cervix was "hiding" so they had to dig for it. I thought I was going to come off that table. At least Dr. Kaufmann kept me entertained while my nurse was doing the procedure. Dr. Kaufmann walked over and looked at Josh's counts and then said, "Wow, way to hit the target in all measurable areas." and then he actually fist bumped Josh. It was really funny and helped to distract me from the extremely uncomfortable IUI I was having. Then it was all over and I got to go home, only after Dr. Kaufmann hovered his hands over my abdomen saying "swim" to the sperm. Since then, I've been having seriously sharp pains I am hoping they will subside soon. Here's to hoping St. Patrick's Day brought us luck!

If nothing else, at least we looked cute in our matching St. Patrick's Day shirts!


Even the dogs joined in the festivity!

Can you tell the neighbor's came outside and the dogs were not too happy about this?

Best video ever

I was on my infertility forum and someone had posted the link to this video. It is perfectly done to describe what couples who are going through infertility feel like. I hope this sheds some light on the situation for some and comforts others. Personally, it was all to real for me and made me cry. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Camping

Josh and I went camping last night with our friends the Brawley's. We had a blast but it was very cold and muddy. None-the-less, we managed to have a really good time. Plus, it helped keep my mind off of infertility. Here are a few pictures that captured the events!

That's Josh and Me

Brooke was making signs for her Volleyball team

Josh and Clint hanging out

Sherri the Chef made all this food! It was yummy!

It was cold so I tried to stay warm

Clint got the fire going so we could make smores, yum yum.

Josh, what are you doing in the background?

It's not a camping trip without the kiddos: Snicker and Sugar

Scrappy made a new friend, Shiloh...but wasn't happy about the play pen.

and she let out a squeal of excitement...

This morning, Josh and I went in for our appointment with Dr. K and it went better than I could have ever imagined. My follicles were clearly growing. My right side had 5 follies all around 14mm and my left side had 3 follies all about 16mm. RE thinks there is a possibility of them all being ready, but given my track record, he's not overly concerned. He suspects the 3 on the left will be the winners. I am trilled to death that after all the set backs this cycle
1. I am finally stimulated
2. I have multiple follies and
3. I get to have my IUI on St. Patrick's Day! That should bring me luck! :-)
Here's a recap of this month's cycle:
Day 1 of cycle 2/22
Baseline u/s 2/24 all clear to start injections
2/24-3/1 Follistim 125iu injections
3/2 u/s (3/2-3/4 Follistim 75iu injections dropped because E2 levels were strong)
3/5 u/s (3/5-3/8 Follistim 150iu injections raised because E2 levels showed no change)
3/9 u/s (3/9-3/11 Follistim 225iu injections raised again because no significant growth had occurred, E2 levels had dropped, abnormal bleeding)
3/12 u/s 7 follies! 5 (9.5mm) right & 2 (12.5mm & 13.5mm) left (3/12-3/13 continue Follistim 225iu injections)
3/14 u/s 8 follies! 5 (14mm) right & 3 (16mm) left (3/14 last Follistim 225iu injection)
3/15 trigger FINALLY after 19 days of injections!
3/17 IUI HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

So tonight, Josh will me my last injection of Follistim (hopefully for good) and tomorrow I will have my Ovidrel trigger shot. The next step happens on Tuesday morning with our IUI. I am just thrilled to death that we are finally having our IUI. There were so many doubts about this cycle and it feels so awesome to be ending it so strongly. I just hope and pray that it ends in a pregnancy. Just in case you have ever been curious about what a follicle looks like I have posted a picture of my left ovary.

The dark black spots are measured both horizontally and vertically and that is how they come up with an average of 16mm. You can see smaller black spots but only the 3 large ones were measured.

Relieved

I am so relieved...I went to the RE this morning and I have 5 follies around 9.5mm on my right ovary and 2 follies about 12mm and 13mm on my left. I have never been so happy to see black spots on an ultrasound! Plus, they were able to get blood on the first stick so I got leave without a bunch of track marks! How exciting is that? I am waiting to hear back from the doctor's office about my blood results and E2 to find out what my new dosage is going to be. He figures he will have to drop it down a little bit so all 5 on my right side don't go crazy and mature. Even still, I'm so excited. Michelle, my regular nurse, was not in the room today so when I left the exam room and walked over to the blood draw area, I stopped by Michelle's office to tell her the good news and I couldn't contain myself. I actually jumped up and down a few times with a huge smile on my face screaming, "I grew! I actually grew! My ovaries do work!!!" Josh, Michelle, and I all laughed and then hugged. It was a very funny sight for spectators.

I am scheduled to go back in on Saturday morning and then we will go from there but Dr. Kaufmann suspects either Monday or Tuesday for our IUI! I'm beyond thrilled. When I left the office I actually squealed with excitement and at that point, Josh let out a heartfelt chuckle. You know, one of those deep down in the belly area chuckles. He was so excited too. He looked at me and said, "Your follicles were HUGE! Baby, that's awesome." :-) Thank you ovaries! And thank you everyone else who has been praying for us. Our prayers have been answered so far, and for that we are eternally grateful. What a great day!

Tomorrow = NERVOUS TONIGHT

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I'm even more sick after calling the RE yesterday because of unknown bleeding. So not only do my ovaries not work, they had to poke me 4 different times to get a blood sample, but now I'm bleeding and I haven't even ovulated. If anyone knows where I can get a new model of this body, let me know! I only want to upgrade a few parts. I'll keep the shortness, and even the extra weight. I would just like some new ovaries, and maybe throw in a new thyroid. Is that too much to ask? I mean really? This whole process is very frustrating, disappointing, heartbreaking, and a real test of our endurance. I know the only reason Josh and I have been able to make it this far is from all the prayers, love, and concern so many people have shown us. So, thank you for that. I will never be able to fully describe how much it has helped us, but know that it truly gives us peace in our hearts in our times of distress. So thank you! Now, if I could just make good news come to me tomorrow, I'd be set. I will leave you with a funny quote from Josh yesterday: "Baby, I used to think I wanted a baby." (Me) "Now you don't?" (Josh) "Nope, now I just want a damn follicle!"

Another Throw Back...My First Appointment with my RE

This a my second throw back to July 2008 brought to you by myspace blog.

Thursday, July 31, 2008
doctor’s appointment
Category: Life
So I went to the specialist and he was really positive and upbeat. He seemed to think after looking over all our "issues" that there was a pretty good chance of us not only getting pregnant but also getting pregnant through artificial inseminations or just "naturally" with the help of medicine. Part of me is excited and happy to hear the news while the other part of me is frustrated because we are regressing. I already did one month of "natural" plus medicine and it didn't work which is why my gyno tried to attack the infertility more aggressively by doing an artificial insemination. But, at least he said he was positive and that it looked good for us to conceive. So we are backing up a step and taking it easy. The good news is that the doctor said I didn't have to take my basal temp anymore! AMEN!! That was great to hear because I hate doing it. In fact, his exact words were, "No, just wing it…be wild and crazy this month." I like his style! But I don't know how wild and crazy you can be while taking meds and given an intercourse schedule of what days to "have relations" and when not too, etc. But wild and crazy it is! So, that's pretty much it. He didn't really shed any new light on PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) because I've read everything I can get my hands on about it. He did, however, run a serious of hormone tests to make sure I was pretty much in range to where I need to be and I got the results already…I am J So, that's it. The only bad news I was given (kind of already knew but got the grime statistics to go with it) was that women with PCOS carry a 47% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester and therefore, if I do become pregnant I will have to go in for weekly blood tests to make sure my progesterone levels are where they should be so I don't miscarry. I can go weekly for blood donations…that's cool with me. Whatever it takes, right? So this month we're taking a step back, being wild and crazy, winging it, and calling at the end of the month with either a no period or a period and going from there.



Anxiety from fear of being so messed up I can't conceive is over for now. Let's see how this month works out!

Infertility & How Hard It's Been on Me...a Throw Back to July 2008

Okay, so I originally posted this on Saturday, July 26, 2008 on my myspace blog. But, it explains what was going on before I went to the RE, Dr. Kaufmann for the first time.


Infertility and how hard it is on me


So I was reading this book, The Infertility Survival Guide by Judith Daniluk, Ph.D., and it's been pretty helpful. One of the suggestions in the book for coping with infertility is to journal. This is my journal because I type faster than I can write and this has spell check :-) So, being that this is my "journal" this will contain personal information about me. Don't read it if you can't handle hearing details. Anyway, here's the deal:

My husband and I have been married for 4 wonderful years and given my gynecological history (had emergency surgery to have an ovarian cyst removed when I was 16) we decided to start trying for our big family early because we suspected to have difficulty. I came off birth control 6 months after we were married and in December of 2004 we officially started trying for a child. It is now July 2008 and we are still childless. To say that the last four years has been difficult is an understatement.

Our lives have been full of doctor's appointments, tests, screenings, unanswered questions, answered questions, but still no results. I've been poked, probed, drugged, and still no baby. I've watched people all around me get pregnant accidentally, intentionally, and unwantingly. I've been to baby showers, baby stores, and I've even thrown one for one of my close friends. I get asked all the time, "when are you going to have one of your own?" to which there is no painless way of responding.

Throughout the entire process the one problem I have had the most is that people do not understand what we're going through, and why would they? I'm not angry that people don't understand, hell I don't understand half the time, but be sensitive to the pain, hurt, loss, and grief my husband and I have experienced every month for the past four years. The process began with gynecological visits for me because I was not menstruating correctly. Every seemed to be fine and the doctors just said keep trying. I was 23 at the time and most doctors don't even consider infertility until 1 year of trying...so we started trying.

Throughout the first year I pretty much had 2 menstrual cycles. Ordinarily, my irregular periods were nothing more than annoying but when you are trying to conceive it serves as a big problem. After the first year of trying to the extent of having unprotected intercourse, the next year we stepped it up a bit and started using ovulation kits. This is when I originally thought they were stupid, a waste of money, and didn't work. Turns out it was my body, not the tests, that didn't work. So after a year of trying, ovulation tests that only produced 1 positive result in 12 months of taking them, and still not baby, I decided to change doctors and started the screening process for infertility.

Since that decision, I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (contributes to weight gain and infertility), poly cystic ovarian disease (contributes to weight gain, irregular periods or no periods, stops ovulation, causes an over production of male hormones, and causes infertility), and my husband has also found that he too contributes to our infertility. We laugh because some statistics show that 60% of infertility is from the woman and only 40% is from the man but in our case we have 100% infertility! We're just glad we can find humor in the pain... These diagnoses didn't come easy or free. We've spent thousands of dollars, countless hours, and many sleepless nights to find out these answers but they really aren't complete answers. No one can tell us why we can't get pregnant; they can only give us possible reasons as to what is negatively influencing the lack of pregnancy. That's not good enough for me. If I have to endure all the battery of tests, and blood work, and sonograms that I've gone through I want answers. Evidently, it doesn't work that way. Who knew?

For the last 3 years I've had to take my BBT or Basal Body Temperature as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. I'm not allowed to do anything but turn off the alarm clock (I have to take it at 6am every morning) and stick the thermometer in my mouth until it beeps signaling me to carry on with my life. Then I have to write down the temperature on my chart to which I have to indicate every little detail of my life from my over the counter Advil's to my sexual intercourse, to if I didn't get a full night's rest the evening before all of which can affect my BBT. This temp is supposed to help show what my body is doing. It's all pretty interesting in the beginning, but gets old FAST! My favorite quote regarding my experience in year 3 of infertility is this:

I don't think doctors understand how hateful that damn thermometer is. You stick that thing in your mouth every morning and the first thing you say to yourself every day is shit—I'm infertile. It's a hit in the face every morning. And then as if that's not bad enough, you have to circle the number of times you've had intercourse and bring it in so they can check to make sure you're doing it enough. I mean, we had one doctor who told us that our chances of conceiving would be much better if we had sex every night during the middle of the month. At times the pressure was just too much. Sometimes we ended up in an argument and one or the other of us said, to hell with it…just mark the damn circle."

So fast forward to last month (June)…I'm on all sorts of daily medications to help my body decide it wants to be pregnant and we go in for our first artificial insemination. Now this happens after taking 100mg of Clomid and for 10 days and having a sonogram and blood work done every week since the last week of April, and getting a shot in the butt the day before. That's a long time to be working on getting ready for one procedure. Anyway, the morning of the "procedure" was pretty exciting for me. I was radiating from ear to ear with excitement, I didn't sleep for days leading up to this day but especially not the night before! We got up early so my husband could give his "donation" and we took it to the doctor's office where they had to "wash" it and "prep" it for injection so they tell us to go have some breakfast and come back in an hour. Though, I appreciated the fact that I was told to go eat something, I was too nervous, anxious, and excited to think about consuming food. After all this might actually be the day I conceive a child! So after an hour goes by, we head back up the waiting room of the doctor's office. I'm surrounded by pregnant women, women with children, pictures of babies, magazines like Conceive, and Parenting. All thoughts are on a baby. At this point my loving, easy going husband is even antsy with anticipation! We finally get called back and I'm just about to burst open with excitement armed with my lucky ring and picture of my two ripened eggs that was taken the day before in my sonogram! Not only was I excited about the entire procedure but my chances had increased with the presence of two eggs instead of just one! All in all, the procedure wasn't that bad. It was basically just a catheter inserted vaginally and then they injected my husband's sperm in and raised my back half up in the air at an almost 45 degree angle to the floor to which I sat like that for about 30 minutes. Then they said carry on with the rest of your day and we wait until either a missed period or a period.

WHAT? Are you kidding me? All this technology around me and the only thing you can say is we wait for a period or a missed period before I get to know anything??? Come on! Guess what, we waited. I was also instructed that I couldn't take pee tests because in order for the doctor to stimulate my ovary to ovulate they had to inject hcg in me, which is the hormone used to detect pregnancy in pee tests. If I took the pee test it would show to be positive even if I wasn't actually pregnant…or so they say… Each day that went by was even more exciting than the day before. I read on pregnancy websites what could be happening and I refreshed myself on the "early signs of pregnancy" on a daily basis. The excitement was too much so I decided to take a pee test! I know I was told not to but I thought it would be fun to see a positive result on a pee test after all these years even if I knew that did not mean a positive pregnancy. So the next morning, I peed on a stick and it was NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY???? Yes, seriously! I happened to have had to go the doctor the same day so they could test my progesterone levels so I asked about the negative pee test to which I was told that didn't mean I wasn't pregnant, it just meant that the hcg they injected in me was no longer in my blood and that if a pee test came back positive after day 11 that it probably was a true reading. That made me feel better but not really. I just wanted to see a positive reading from my own pee. I know what a plus sign looks like, but it's different when it turns to a plus sign after you pee on it! It's like a little bit of magic…that I still didn't get to experience!

After around day 11 from the procedure I started to have anxiety because around that time if my period was going to come I would start to drop in my basal temperature. Each day I was scared to look at the reading on the thermometer for fear it might be indicating that I wasn't pregnant again. Fortunately for me, it maintained to be elevated every day. In fact, on day 11 it shot up higher than it had been ever in the three years that I had been taking my temps! I immediately googled to see if that meant anything I should know about. I read a lot of information which lead me to believe it was a stronger likelihood that I was in fact pregnant than wasn't! I was elated. Everyday my husband called me to find out what my temp was that day since I couldn't look at it until around lunch time (that's how long it took me to sneak up on the thing for fear of bad news). Each day I happily reported back that my temp remained elevated! The day it shot up, I didn't tell anyone because in all my readings it said it had to stay up for at least 5 days to indicate a "possible" pregnancy. I didn't want to get any one's hopes up (even though mine were in outer space) but on day three of the seriously elevated temp I informed my husband and my doctor both of which reacted very positively to the news. By day 20 after the artificial insemination my temp was still elevated, my period was now late by a week and a half at this point, and on paper one might assume a pregnancy so it was time for the moment of truth, the blood test.

So I went in that morning and they took my blood and then they informed me that they wouldn't have the results until the next day. I asked to not be called until after 4:30pm because I had a final next day for my last grad school class and I didn't want to get bad news and do poorly and I didn't want to get good news and not be able to concentrate and do poorly so I opted for no news until after the test. My nurse said that was fine and we parted ways. The final came and went a lot faster than I thought and the moment I walked out of class I called the doctor's office to let them know I was finished with my test and I could hear the results of my blood work now, except for one small problem…they didn't have the results in yet so I ended up having to wait until almost 6PM and it KILLED me. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't even pee (I thought about doing a pee test to see my results). I was a nervous wreck! Finally, out of no where I hear the sounds of Beyonce playing, "You must not know bout me," in the living room and I run to my cell phone to see the doctor's office calling me. I pick it up and don't even say hello, instead I say do you have good news for me? To which I hear silence, looking back in retrospect that half a second of silence was probably due to my nurse not expecting me to pick up the phone that way but in that moment I knew the answer and I felt a little piece of me die. She paused and said, "I'm afraid not. Your pregnancy test came back negative. If you still don't get a period by next week, we'll run it again. I'm so sorry Julie. It really looked like you were going to get a positive result this time." I gracefully told her thank you for letting me know and got off the phone.

I remember closing the flip phone and it dropped to the floor like a building crashing to the ground after an explosion. Tears filled my eyes and I sat alone on my couch wondering what I had done to deserve this pain, this loss once again. I sat and cried for 2 hours straight until my husband walked in the door from work. He knew the fact that I hadn't called him at that point indicated a no so he just walked over, sat down next to me, scooped me up in his arms, and cried with me. Unless you have gone through this kind of pain, it's really hard to describe but these passages from the book In Pursuit of Fertility by Dr. Robert Franklin are the best I can do.

For the couples who go home without a baby, infertility is a tragedy. It is a loss—and one that is not easy to accept. When a patient leaves my care without a child in her arms after trying to conceive for years, it hurts. In fact, after working with infertile couples for almost thirty years, I still get angry and sad just thinking about the unfairness of infertility. I try to help couples understand that grief is a normal process of infertility. Grief is a healthy bodily response not only to losing someone or something very dear but also to losing a dream. As such, it must be experienced if we are to purge ourselves of the pain. We grieve over actual losses, such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a significant relationship, a valued job, our home, or our pet. But we also grieve over the loss of our fantasies. In infertility, our dream is to have a child. It is the loss of that dream or its feared loss that pushes the infertile couple into a grieving state.

The tears never completely went away but after about 2 weeks they were a little more under control. It was hard for Josh too and though he certainly didn't say what he was feeling as eloquently as this quote, he did say the same thing…

If my wife was sobbing at night on one side of the bed, I would just turn over and not be of any sort of comfort…I couldn't really listen to her…to what she was communicating and the feelings of emptiness…the feelings of being alone, of feeling hurt. My reaction was to be very silent, withdrawing, not wanting to talk about it because I knew I couldn't fix it, and it killed me to think I couldn't stop her pain.

I got myself under control emotionally as best I could and started focusing on other things to occupy my time. It was really hard because all of my closest friends have either babies or kids in general so I had to distance myself. I couldn't be around kids because it was just a constant reminder of how I failed again in that department. It's like a slap in the face and though I want to see my niece, or watch my little "P" grow up and reach her milestones, it's too difficult sometimes for me to deal with it so I just have to avoid it all together. The hardest part is that it comes in phases. I could be driving down the road and song comes on that sends me to tears, or I could read a sign and I think about something and I'm blubbering like an idiot. It's just hard; harder than I could have ever imagined. The only thing in my life I have ever been certain about is being a mother and that seems to be the only thing in my life that I can't accomplish. You know for a woman, infertility is twofold. One is to never have the opportunity to be a biological mother. Two is to never carry a child inside of you and feel what it's like to nurture another life in that way. To never get to feel the awesome power of pushing a child into this world and hearing its first cries and knowing that you gave that child life. It's two huge losses, not just one.

So that leads us to the present and we are in the same spot we were in the beginning. We were referred to a specialist and our first appointment is next week Thursday. I'm nervous and excited but mostly anxious. The doctor is supposed to look over our file and "determine" our possibilities and avenues to explore for our infertility. I'm trying to keep an open mind but I'm pretty opinionated so it's hard. I have reservations about several of the procedures in the assisted reproductive technology…we'll have to see how it goes. Pray for us.

Stupid Ovaries

Okay, really ovaries? That's how you want to play? I see how it's going to be. This morning I went to see my RE to find out how successful my ovaries responded to the new higher 150iu dose and the answer is: they didn't. In fact, my E2 results showed a drop which is really not cool. I swear to you the follies actually looked smaller. They didn't even bother to measure this time. What's that about? I mean really? I'm so frustrated there aren't even words to describe it. So the next step is increase my dose to 225iu and go back in on Thursday. I really don't appreciate this not just because of the money thing since I've dropped a few grand in meds alone this cycle, but also the time off from work. Since I have to go back on Thursday, I can't even take a half day because my students are going on a field trip. That also means that I have to miss the field trip with my students. I feel awful. They were so disappointed when I told them. It broke my heart to see them so disappointed to not have me there. I can't even tell them why other than I have to go to the doctor. Some of my kids have started to ask me if I'm dying. :-( I just want to say...no, but I'm about to kill my ovaries! So I guess I leave with 225iu every night until appointment on Thursday morning. Because my marsupial pouch isn't black, blue, purple, green, and yellow enough from all the needle brusing...I get to add probably 5 more days to it! Oh, yeah! (This is me being positive).

Come on Ovaries

Geez...you can't win for losing with my ovaries. I have come to the conclusion that I have literally NEVER ovulated on my own. So the latest update is that when I went to the RE this morning my follicles didn’t really grow at all. In fact, so little growth prompted another E2 test to find out what’s going on. The results showed that my awesome number from Monday was about the same number today. That means the drop to a lower dosage was not helpful to my ovaries. Very frustrating I might add. But, it is what it is, right? So, now the doctor has bumped my dosage up to 150iu from now until Monday morning when we go in again. So pray that these follies grow to at least 18mm by next week so we can trigger and then do our IUI. I hope and pray this works! I can’t afford anymore this year! Crossing my fingers, toes, and anything else I can find!

Crossing my fingers

So I am crossing my fingers that my follies are "ripened" tomorrow so we can do the trigger shot and then the IUI over the weekend!

Positive results...here I come!

Today I went in for my sonogram and follie check after waiting since last week Tuesday...AWESOMENESS!!!! I had two follicles that were measured one on the left at 6.95mm and one on right at 8.03mm and my lining is at 8.78mm! That may not sound like anything to anyone else but to me it's music to my ears! First let's start with the obvious...my right ovary is working! YEA!!!! Second, I have two follies on each side for a total of 4. Now, that doesn't mean I will end up with 4 ripened follies...but this is a VERY good start. Third, my lining is excellent which means hopefully that little follie that gets fertilized (praying) will have a nice plush landing to burrow in for the long haul. Finally, my blood test showed that my estrogen levels were perfecto! In fact, so good that they are lowering my injection from 125iu to only 75iu as to not OVER stimulate. I didn't even know it was possible to over stimulate my ovaries! That's awesome! Well, within reason...I mean over stimulation is never awesome...but at least that means my ovaries are working and have the ability to really produce when stimulated. This is all such good news for me. So, we continue injections at 75iu from now until Wednesday night and then we go in for our sono on Thursday morning. Hopefully those follies will have ripened to at least 16mm so we can trigger ovulation and move forward with our IUI! I would estimate the IUI to be on Saturday if all goes well at Thursday's appointment. I really hope those follies grow, grow, grow! Let's grow follies, let's grow! Let's hear it for the follies!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, I'm out now because clearly I'm rambling. But know that I'm SUPER excited.