I'm 100% crushed

After going to bed thinking positively that it could just be implantation spotting and I could still very well be pregnant, I woke up this morning the same way. I didn't set my alarm clock but naturally got up around 7AM to go to the bathroom. I reached over to my nightstand to get my basal thermometer and put it in my mouth. The entire time thinking only about how badly I had to pee. It beeped and I didn't have time to read it at that point I had to go potty! I got in the bathroom half asleep and fumbling all over and realized half way through that I should probably take an early pregnancy test. Do you know how hard it is to stop peeing once you've already started? Well, it's very challenging. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised that there was not any sign of spotting or a full blown period. I waited my 3 minutes and read the negative that showed up on the pregnancy test. I went back to my basal thermometer and it showed a slight drop but I still went back to sleep feeling positive. You know, like blindly believing that there is a positive in all the obvious signs that point to NO. Around 10AM I woke up for good and had to go potty again so I did and that's when I found out I had a full blown period. At 12dpiui I have a full blown period and I just screamed out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Josh came running in from the living room to see what was going on and I had to tell him. It's hard enough to realize it yourself but to have to muster up the words to tell someone else who is going to be just has hurt is so difficult. He said, "It's okay" and walked out of the bathroom. I then joined him in the living room where we decided to build the dresser we bought yesterday to occupy our time and not think about it. I went to get a drink and Josh knows me so well, he knew I wouldn't be okay with it and be able to move on from the hurt that quickly. He got up from the floor and just gave me a giant bear hug and held me tightly gently kissing my forehead telling me it was going to be okay. "Everything is going to be okay." I think we stood like that for 10 minutes because that's how long it took for both of us to be convinced that it would be okay and we would bounce back from this heartbreak just like we have every other time. It never gets easier, in fact, I actually think the heartbreak gets harder each time to over come. It's a pain I can only compare to the pain I feel when someone I know and love dies. It hurts every fiber of my being and I feel a piece of myself die inside with the loss of hope each time it doesn't work out. Josh and I stopped hugging only because I was about to sneeze and with tears in our eyes we parted. He walked back over to the pieces of dresser and sat down and he could no longer see me. That's when the tears came flowing down my face like a flood. I fell to the floor in slow motion and leaned against the kitchen cabinets crying my eyes out feeling the cold tile floor send chills through out my whole body and that's when I died a little inside all over again. As I sat there with my face in my hands, I heard Josh calling for me but I couldn't get words out. I could barely even breath. I said a prayer and asked God what his plan was. I just don't understand. I just don't. It's all so painful emotionally, physically, and financially. I just don't understand. Why is this so hard? What is the plan? Am I not supposed to be a mom? That's the only thing in this world I have ever wanted to be. I cried until the tears no longer flowed and then I slowly picked myself up off the floor to carry all my pain, heartbreak, grief, and loss over to the sink where I wish I could just wash it all away. I got myself together and then helped Josh build a dresser. What else can you do? So the plan is to call the doctor's office tomorrow and let them know my period came and hopefully on Tuesday after the blood test Dr. Kaufmann can discuss the next step with us so we don't have to take another day off from work. I guess the good news would be we would have a plan of action ready to go in January 2010 when we will be able to afford to do it again. So for now I leave you with a lot of pain on my heart but still plenty of faith that God has a plan even though I clearly don't understand it. Oh, and a really nice dresser! :-) Here's a picture of the dresser from the Internet since Josh is still working on the frame at this time.