Reality?

I sometimes question if I was ever even pregnant or was this all a bad dream...I guess the proof speaks that it was real... See the heartbeat...


I have a feeling September 23, 2010 is going to be a hard day for me...Rest in peace tiny baby. We'll hold you in heaven one day...

Great surprise

Josh surprised me with a massage on Friday only the surprise didn't stop there! He then informed me he signed us up for monthly massages for a year!!! WOOHOO!!! How awesome is that? Plus, I can suspend the account WHEN I become pregnant again. I'm so excited. For signing up we were each given a box of Godiva chocolates. Now, I generally don't eat chocolate because it's not my favorite. I did open the box to look at the chocolates because the box looked fancy so I figured the chocolates would be fancy too and I was right! There was a star and heart shaped one among the four. I couldn't resist and tried the white star...it had raspberry goodness inside!!! YUMMY! After our wonderful massages (we met up there because of timing) we drove home to drop off one car and ride together to dinner. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory! Also, a BIG YUMMY!!!! We ended the evening with searching for a new couch. Here's what we found...





It was a great end to a fabulous evening.

Back to work

I didn't sleep at all last night anticpating going back to work today. I was so nervous that I would just fall apart if anyone tried to hug me or console me. Fortuneatly, God gave me strength to get through the day without shedding a single tear on campus. I cried to and from work...but not at work. It's getting easier with each passing day physically but emotionally I'm on a roller coaster I can't seem to get off. I feel like a crazy person. I wish my body and my heart were healing at the same pace...

Fever is gone

Well, my fever is gone. My students did fine even though I was out an extra day. I'm exhausted tired. My heart hurts. The tears keep falling. But in my heart, I know it's all part of a bigger plan that I don't understand but trust in fully. This is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

Tears

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
We would walk right up to heaven
To bring you down again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.
When we are sad and lonely,
And everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."
Each time we look at your pictures,
You seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping,
We'll meet again someday."
~Unknown

Fever

This morning I woke up with a 102*F fever. I was also calling Dr. Kaufmann's cell phone directly. He gave me the number and said if I needed anything to call him. I try not to bother any of my doctors unless it's a real emergency. I justified running fever shortly after surgery to be an emergency. I was right. Josh took me into Dr. Kaufmann's office that morning and they did some blood work and checked my vitals which were pretty low (explained why I felt like I was going to pass out). My blood work didn't show infection but to be on the safe side I was prescribed a Z-pac. This was not how I wanted to wake up for sure! Looks like I won't be at work tomorrow either. Ugh...I just wish I could heal and be done with this! On a positive side, I didn't have to admitted to the hospital or ER and I got a bunch of really thoughtful cards in the mail from caring friends and family.

A Father's Grief

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

This is so much harder than I thought...

I really didn't know what to expect with a D&C. I know I was heartbroken all weekend leading into it. I had the strength to share the news with my co-workers and students on Monday and I was just ready to get it over with and move on by Monday night. Tuesday morning we got to the surgery center nice and early (around 5AM), checked in, filled out paper work, and then they prepped me for surgery. The nice nurse numbed my wrist before inserting the IV. I really appreciated that! Then the anesthesiologist came over to ask me a bunch of questions and I was in relatively good spirits. Finally, they allowed Josh to come back as we waited for Dr. Kaufmann to talk to us before he preformed the surgery. By that point, I was pretty ready for it to be over with! The anesthesiologist came back over and inserted the drugs into my IV. The nice nurse then told me when we got to the OR I would need to scoot onto the OR table. I looked at her and said, "Well Honey, you better wheel me faster because I see four of you already!" We all laughed but I was serious!!! Granted if they would have let me wear my glasses there may have only been two of her at that point but last time I checked I should only being seeing ONE!!! I vaguely remember the OR room with a blue sheet of paper on the bed I scooted onto. And then, I was out! I woke up feeling pretty tired, freezing cold, and really thirsty. The new NICE nurse brought me a warm blanket and some apple juice! I felt like I got the hook up! Pretty soon after my apple juice they brought Josh to the recovery room where I was sipping on some juice. He signed off on the instructions and then I got to get dressed and we went home. I was feeling pretty great that day! Those drugs are great...until they wear off the NEXT day. I was feeling good enough that I actually did our taxes!!! Sherri and Brooke came by to visit me after school and brought some goodies for Josh and I along with some flowers from them and some from a dear student's family. Later, Brooke came back with Sterling to visit me and that was pretty exciting too. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good that day. Today, well, today just plan sucks. The prescription doesn't seem to be taking away any of the pain or cramping. I don't really appreciate feeling this lousy. Especially since I was hoping to go back to work tomorrow. I pretty much laid on the couch all day long. Around 4:00PM Sherri came back over to check on me and that's when the flowers Oakmont sent me arrived. Shortly after that Alison Adkins, a fellow 4th grade teacher dropped off dinner on behalf of my 4th grade team. That was really sweet and greatly appreciated. Josh was pretty hungry!!! I pretty much determined I would probably not be at work tomorrow. If nothing else, I would need the rest. Today was pretty rough and it's only around 6PM!

Valentine's Day

I was pretty bummed out on Valentine's Day to say the least. It was the first day I was alone since we found out our baby died on Friday. Josh had to go back to work since he would be taking off to be home with me for my D&C surgery. I don't really remember doing much but crying that day. I felt badly because I normally make Josh a card and get him a prank Valentine's gift of some sort. This year was different because my whole world was shattered two days earlier. Around 4PM the doorbell rang and I generally don't open the door unless I know who is standing on the other side. For some reason I just assumed it was Josh and opened the door. It was not Josh. Instead, it was a delivery man sent by Josh. I really think I have the best husband in the world. I love Josh!!!!!

Heartache...

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown

Footprints

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
~Unknown

Little Snowdrop

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms, Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way For all eternity.
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.

Heartbroken

Words have failed me and I truly don't know what to say. The shock and tears won't go away. We went in for our ultrasound today hoping to get to hear the heartbeat and graduate to my regular OB if all went well and instead I was given pretty much the worst news I could dream of...there was no baby. I knew immediately looking at the screen there was a problem as my uterus (which I've seen many times thanks to infertility procedures) was all inky black. I'd never seen that before and there was no sac. Dr. K actually gasped a little as he starred at the screen. I thought it might have been Josh that gasped but I asked him later and he heard it too but said it wasn't him. Dr. K then confirmed there was no baby and asked us to take a minute and then meet him in the conference room. He walked out of the exam room telling us how sorry he was for us. That's when the tears started to roll down our cheeks. I didn't even know how I was going to stand up. I felt like jell-o. How could this be happening? What happened to the "kick ass beta numbers?" Why was this happening? Didn't we wait long enough for this baby? Isn't five years and countless tears prior enough for us to finally get our happy ending? Tears continued to flow and I just couldn't leave Josh's arms. I knew we needed to go to the conference room but I didn't want to go anywhere. A piece of us just died, how could we possibly go talk now? Sometimes you just have to find the courage to go on. We got ourselves together as best we could and walked to the conference room. Dr. K came in and once again extended his apologies. I know he's sincere as he and his wife went through the same heartbreak before having twins through IVF. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much better about Dr. K. He's been through it all himself and knows the pain you feel inside when things don't work. He stated he was truly blindsided by this and when he walked in the room to do the ultrasound he had no reason to believe it would turn out like this. I told him though I was in shock, I wasn't blindsided. He kind of looked at me funny. I told him though I didn't let the fear of the unknown keep me from being happy about being pregnant that I was certainly aware of statistics, and the fact that my sister had the same thing happen to her at 10 weeks. We then asked a lot of questions that didn't all have answers. Dr. K basically explained that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in my age group and it was just part of nature. He didn't see any reason to believe that I did or didn't do something to cause it and he explained to us that he would be doing some standard genetic testing to see if he could pinpoint a cause but he really felt it was just nature. I was given the option to let the pregnancy pass naturally or have a D&C and I chose D&C. Going through this is hard enough. I don't think I could handle the visible signs of a miscarriage if I could prevent it. Though there is no certainty that between now and Tuesday morning it won't happen on it's own...a least I know I made a choice. We were given a lot of information in that conference room and one of my biggest questions was where do we go from here? We were told that medically speaking it was a good news that we were able to conceive on our own. And then we were told that the time line would probably go as follows: D&C on Tuesday expect 4-6 weeks for cycle to return. Allow 2-3 cycles to happen before actively trying again. I asked if I should be on birth control in the meantime and he said based on my track record that as long as we aren't going out getting ovulation kits during that time we should be fine. So we took it all in and tried to focus on the fact that sometime this summer (my regular cycles are a month and a 1/2 apart) we should be able to try again. I'm really disappointed we have to wait that long but I'm more disappointed we are even going through this. It's been so hard. I feel like water works at any given time. We have such a strong support system but it doesn't really ease the pain of this at all. Many tears have been shed over the course of this weekend. I know our hearts will heal but it's terrible right now. My heart is broken and though it will heal and we will grow stronger from this, the pain is real. The tears are real. And the confusion is there. I trust that God has a plan for us. I believe in that plan whatever it may be; however, right now I believe my heart is broken and it's going to need time to heal. Rest in peace tiny baby of ours...

Snow??

It's snowing!!!! Josh and I and the dogs of course all went to the park down the street and played in the snow. Well, it was a foot of snow!! Fort Worth got a foot of snow!!! I'm not kidding!!! It's crazy! I also found out school is already cancelled for tomorrow so we get to play again, after we sleep in of course!!! Tomorrow is the big appointment!!! I'm so excited!!!

Feeling better

I started to feel better yesterday and my appetite is coming back. Maybe my body is finally getting used to being pregnant!!! Yippee!!! Right now, I'm just counting down the days until our 8week1day appointment where we will get to hear the heartbeat!!! I'm taking bets on if it's a boy or girl. We don't want to know but it's fun to guess! My brother-in-law is going with girl if it's 150 or higher. We shall see!!! I looked at the Chinese predictor thing and it's not helpful at all. Since I was 28 when I conceived it says the month of Dec would result in a girl and the month of January would be a boy. We know ovulation took place on Dec. 31 but did conception happen in Dec. or Jan.? We don't know...so what's your guess??

stuff

So I went to drop off a bunch of stuff that belongs to my mother at my sister's house and I swear we came home with more stuff than we dropped off! That's okay though because we came home with BABY stuff!!! Jennifer and Stewart got our baby it's first gift! I have a whole dinning room table of maternity clothes to try on and put away for when I start to sprout a belly! It's very exciting times we're living in!!!



We also got to see our niece Madi. She's getting so big!!!

so excited

I can't wait until next Friday because we should get to hear the heartbeat!!! Josh has been very excited as he already finished painting the nursery!!! We know we are early but you can't live thinking the worst is going to happen. We waited five very long years to be this excited and I plan on enjoying every single minute of it!!!
This is Josh painting:
He will install the chair railing and it will look like this:

This is what the curtian will look like once it's hung:

Touch ups!:

Crackers are food fit for kings!!

So, I'd like to just take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the maker of the Saltine Cracker. I googled the following: Soda crackers, also called "premium flake" and "saltina" crackers, date back at least to the 19th century. Premium Saltines, originally called Premium Soda Crackers, originated in 1876 in St. Joseph, Missouri.

Thank you very much St. Joseph, Missouri for your impact on pregnant women everywhere! Don't take this as complaining because it is not!!! I've never been so elated to be this sick in all my life!!! It's the best thing ever! I personally can't wait until September when I get to meet the kiddo that makes me vomit between the hours of 1AM-6AM with a few moments at any other given time during both the day and the night. But, I would like to end with KUDOS to SALTINES!!!