Heartbroken

Words have failed me and I truly don't know what to say. The shock and tears won't go away. We went in for our ultrasound today hoping to get to hear the heartbeat and graduate to my regular OB if all went well and instead I was given pretty much the worst news I could dream of...there was no baby. I knew immediately looking at the screen there was a problem as my uterus (which I've seen many times thanks to infertility procedures) was all inky black. I'd never seen that before and there was no sac. Dr. K actually gasped a little as he starred at the screen. I thought it might have been Josh that gasped but I asked him later and he heard it too but said it wasn't him. Dr. K then confirmed there was no baby and asked us to take a minute and then meet him in the conference room. He walked out of the exam room telling us how sorry he was for us. That's when the tears started to roll down our cheeks. I didn't even know how I was going to stand up. I felt like jell-o. How could this be happening? What happened to the "kick ass beta numbers?" Why was this happening? Didn't we wait long enough for this baby? Isn't five years and countless tears prior enough for us to finally get our happy ending? Tears continued to flow and I just couldn't leave Josh's arms. I knew we needed to go to the conference room but I didn't want to go anywhere. A piece of us just died, how could we possibly go talk now? Sometimes you just have to find the courage to go on. We got ourselves together as best we could and walked to the conference room. Dr. K came in and once again extended his apologies. I know he's sincere as he and his wife went through the same heartbreak before having twins through IVF. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much better about Dr. K. He's been through it all himself and knows the pain you feel inside when things don't work. He stated he was truly blindsided by this and when he walked in the room to do the ultrasound he had no reason to believe it would turn out like this. I told him though I was in shock, I wasn't blindsided. He kind of looked at me funny. I told him though I didn't let the fear of the unknown keep me from being happy about being pregnant that I was certainly aware of statistics, and the fact that my sister had the same thing happen to her at 10 weeks. We then asked a lot of questions that didn't all have answers. Dr. K basically explained that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in my age group and it was just part of nature. He didn't see any reason to believe that I did or didn't do something to cause it and he explained to us that he would be doing some standard genetic testing to see if he could pinpoint a cause but he really felt it was just nature. I was given the option to let the pregnancy pass naturally or have a D&C and I chose D&C. Going through this is hard enough. I don't think I could handle the visible signs of a miscarriage if I could prevent it. Though there is no certainty that between now and Tuesday morning it won't happen on it's own...a least I know I made a choice. We were given a lot of information in that conference room and one of my biggest questions was where do we go from here? We were told that medically speaking it was a good news that we were able to conceive on our own. And then we were told that the time line would probably go as follows: D&C on Tuesday expect 4-6 weeks for cycle to return. Allow 2-3 cycles to happen before actively trying again. I asked if I should be on birth control in the meantime and he said based on my track record that as long as we aren't going out getting ovulation kits during that time we should be fine. So we took it all in and tried to focus on the fact that sometime this summer (my regular cycles are a month and a 1/2 apart) we should be able to try again. I'm really disappointed we have to wait that long but I'm more disappointed we are even going through this. It's been so hard. I feel like water works at any given time. We have such a strong support system but it doesn't really ease the pain of this at all. Many tears have been shed over the course of this weekend. I know our hearts will heal but it's terrible right now. My heart is broken and though it will heal and we will grow stronger from this, the pain is real. The tears are real. And the confusion is there. I trust that God has a plan for us. I believe in that plan whatever it may be; however, right now I believe my heart is broken and it's going to need time to heal. Rest in peace tiny baby of ours...