Reality?

I sometimes question if I was ever even pregnant or was this all a bad dream...I guess the proof speaks that it was real... See the heartbeat...


I have a feeling September 23, 2010 is going to be a hard day for me...Rest in peace tiny baby. We'll hold you in heaven one day...

Great surprise

Josh surprised me with a massage on Friday only the surprise didn't stop there! He then informed me he signed us up for monthly massages for a year!!! WOOHOO!!! How awesome is that? Plus, I can suspend the account WHEN I become pregnant again. I'm so excited. For signing up we were each given a box of Godiva chocolates. Now, I generally don't eat chocolate because it's not my favorite. I did open the box to look at the chocolates because the box looked fancy so I figured the chocolates would be fancy too and I was right! There was a star and heart shaped one among the four. I couldn't resist and tried the white star...it had raspberry goodness inside!!! YUMMY! After our wonderful massages (we met up there because of timing) we drove home to drop off one car and ride together to dinner. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory! Also, a BIG YUMMY!!!! We ended the evening with searching for a new couch. Here's what we found...





It was a great end to a fabulous evening.

Back to work

I didn't sleep at all last night anticpating going back to work today. I was so nervous that I would just fall apart if anyone tried to hug me or console me. Fortuneatly, God gave me strength to get through the day without shedding a single tear on campus. I cried to and from work...but not at work. It's getting easier with each passing day physically but emotionally I'm on a roller coaster I can't seem to get off. I feel like a crazy person. I wish my body and my heart were healing at the same pace...

Fever is gone

Well, my fever is gone. My students did fine even though I was out an extra day. I'm exhausted tired. My heart hurts. The tears keep falling. But in my heart, I know it's all part of a bigger plan that I don't understand but trust in fully. This is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

Tears

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
We would walk right up to heaven
To bring you down again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.
When we are sad and lonely,
And everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."
Each time we look at your pictures,
You seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping,
We'll meet again someday."
~Unknown

Fever

This morning I woke up with a 102*F fever. I was also calling Dr. Kaufmann's cell phone directly. He gave me the number and said if I needed anything to call him. I try not to bother any of my doctors unless it's a real emergency. I justified running fever shortly after surgery to be an emergency. I was right. Josh took me into Dr. Kaufmann's office that morning and they did some blood work and checked my vitals which were pretty low (explained why I felt like I was going to pass out). My blood work didn't show infection but to be on the safe side I was prescribed a Z-pac. This was not how I wanted to wake up for sure! Looks like I won't be at work tomorrow either. Ugh...I just wish I could heal and be done with this! On a positive side, I didn't have to admitted to the hospital or ER and I got a bunch of really thoughtful cards in the mail from caring friends and family.

A Father's Grief

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.