I Don't Understand...

What is wrong with my body? I don't get it at all. Saturday I spot a little, Sunday I have more than I would consider spotting but then it goes away and nothing all day today? What's that about? I don't get it. Stupid body, if you are going to not be pregnant...then do it 100%. This is ridiculous...I can't stand it anymore. I have been on such a roller coaster of emotions this cycle it isn't even funny. How do you have a menstrual cycle that just stops? Am I pregnant? Am I not? At least yesterday I thought for sure I wasn't...now I'm doubting myself which is probably only going to lead to a much bigger let down tomorrow when I go in for my blood pregnancy test. This is so frustrating. I actually feel like I'm going to throw up right now from the emotional stress that is on me. Or, am I pregnant? I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a long break! I'm at the end of my rope...I need a break! Excuse me while I go throw up.

Flood Gates

I'm trying so hard to be positive but the flood gates keep breaking. My heart is broken. Only time will heal this pain, I hope. For now, I'm just staring at the pieces of my broken heart...

I'm 100% crushed

After going to bed thinking positively that it could just be implantation spotting and I could still very well be pregnant, I woke up this morning the same way. I didn't set my alarm clock but naturally got up around 7AM to go to the bathroom. I reached over to my nightstand to get my basal thermometer and put it in my mouth. The entire time thinking only about how badly I had to pee. It beeped and I didn't have time to read it at that point I had to go potty! I got in the bathroom half asleep and fumbling all over and realized half way through that I should probably take an early pregnancy test. Do you know how hard it is to stop peeing once you've already started? Well, it's very challenging. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised that there was not any sign of spotting or a full blown period. I waited my 3 minutes and read the negative that showed up on the pregnancy test. I went back to my basal thermometer and it showed a slight drop but I still went back to sleep feeling positive. You know, like blindly believing that there is a positive in all the obvious signs that point to NO. Around 10AM I woke up for good and had to go potty again so I did and that's when I found out I had a full blown period. At 12dpiui I have a full blown period and I just screamed out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Josh came running in from the living room to see what was going on and I had to tell him. It's hard enough to realize it yourself but to have to muster up the words to tell someone else who is going to be just has hurt is so difficult. He said, "It's okay" and walked out of the bathroom. I then joined him in the living room where we decided to build the dresser we bought yesterday to occupy our time and not think about it. I went to get a drink and Josh knows me so well, he knew I wouldn't be okay with it and be able to move on from the hurt that quickly. He got up from the floor and just gave me a giant bear hug and held me tightly gently kissing my forehead telling me it was going to be okay. "Everything is going to be okay." I think we stood like that for 10 minutes because that's how long it took for both of us to be convinced that it would be okay and we would bounce back from this heartbreak just like we have every other time. It never gets easier, in fact, I actually think the heartbreak gets harder each time to over come. It's a pain I can only compare to the pain I feel when someone I know and love dies. It hurts every fiber of my being and I feel a piece of myself die inside with the loss of hope each time it doesn't work out. Josh and I stopped hugging only because I was about to sneeze and with tears in our eyes we parted. He walked back over to the pieces of dresser and sat down and he could no longer see me. That's when the tears came flowing down my face like a flood. I fell to the floor in slow motion and leaned against the kitchen cabinets crying my eyes out feeling the cold tile floor send chills through out my whole body and that's when I died a little inside all over again. As I sat there with my face in my hands, I heard Josh calling for me but I couldn't get words out. I could barely even breath. I said a prayer and asked God what his plan was. I just don't understand. I just don't. It's all so painful emotionally, physically, and financially. I just don't understand. Why is this so hard? What is the plan? Am I not supposed to be a mom? That's the only thing in this world I have ever wanted to be. I cried until the tears no longer flowed and then I slowly picked myself up off the floor to carry all my pain, heartbreak, grief, and loss over to the sink where I wish I could just wash it all away. I got myself together and then helped Josh build a dresser. What else can you do? So the plan is to call the doctor's office tomorrow and let them know my period came and hopefully on Tuesday after the blood test Dr. Kaufmann can discuss the next step with us so we don't have to take another day off from work. I guess the good news would be we would have a plan of action ready to go in January 2010 when we will be able to afford to do it again. So for now I leave you with a lot of pain on my heart but still plenty of faith that God has a plan even though I clearly don't understand it. Oh, and a really nice dresser! :-) Here's a picture of the dresser from the Internet since Josh is still working on the frame at this time.

This is so confusing...

Today is 11dpiui which means only 3 more days until the blood pregnancy test on Tuesday. I have been peeing more than I have ever peed in my life, and no, I'm not drinking more either. I have had sore boobs for 2 days now and I'm completely exhausted. But is it because I'm pregnant or is it from medicince or is it in my head? I don't know. I've tried to not to think about it at all this cycle and I've done pretty well until today. Up until today, I haven't taken my basal body temperature. I haven't done the pee test for pregnancy. I haven't even read on the internet what all the signs "could" mean. I didn't want to stress myself out. So earlier today I went to my friend Melissa's baby shower and it was so sweet. There were a few times I felt myself about to get emotional and I just tried to block it out and surprisingly I was pretty successful. I'm certain no one noticed I started to get teary eyed. I got rid of it fast! After the baby shower I stopped off at a store to look at a dresser I saw on the internet that I fell in love with! I got to the store and loved it even more. I decided to go home and get Josh to take him to the store to see it himself. I was pretty excited since we've needed a dresser for a while but could never find anything we liked enough to buy and look at every day. I got Josh and convinced him to go with me and he finally agreed. By the time we got to the store I had to pee so bad my only mission was to find the bathroom. That's when it happened. I got in there unsuspecting and then that evil monster Aunt Flow showed her evil, ugly face. But only a little...just some spots. I came out of the bathroom and Josh knew immediately something was wrong. I told him and he tried to comfort me. He's such a great husband to be able to comfort me when he feels just as crushed. Anyway, we got the dresser and as soon as we got home I got on the internet to research on the internet what it could be. I did sneak a pee test which was negative. I also took my basal body temp which was still elevated. Neither bothered me since it would be too early to get a positive reading on a pee test and my basal being elevated was still a good sign which further made me think it could be implantation spotting. I am going to continue with my nightly medicine and try not to think about it. So I'm going to bed thinking positively.

Nausea is here to stay...

Well, yesterday I woke up feeling pretty nauseous and it hasn't gone away yet. In fact, it's gotten worse. Thanks to the progesterone I'm taking, no doubt. The cramping hasn't gone away either. This round has been pretty rough. It almost makes me miss the daily injections...at least with those it was a prick, a few minutes of stinging, and then just a sore abdomen for a few days, followed by bruising. This is constant dull pain in the abdomen and lower back, with a side of sore boobs, and nausea on top! Not to mention bloating and tiredness. I really pray there is a baby at the end of this 2 week torture. I promised my friends I wouldn't complain about pregnancy since it has been something I've wanted for so long...but, I don't know if I'm pregnant yet...so I get to complain for now! :-) No, I'm not really mad about it. I am actually really hopeful. Like I said before, I've got the luck of the Irish behind me and from what I hear, Irish people aren't ones you want to mess with! So, if my body knows what's best it will not go against the Irish! That's all I'm saying. But, for now, just know I feel awful and I still have until March 31 before I know if it's all worth it or not! Here's my little counter to keep us updated:

2 Days down...12 more to go

Okay so today is Day 2 Post IUI or (2dpiui) for short. Now, I looked back at my trusty infertility log from last cycle and realized that on this same day last cycle the only symptom I had was bloating. That is NOT the case this cycle. I have not stopped cramping since my IUI and I'm pretty sure I ovulated from both the left and right ovary because it was none too pleasant. I had sharp "ovulation" pains from both sides! Does that mean all 8 follicles ovulated? Oh, dear Lord, please don't answer my prayer to be a mother...by giving me 8 babies!!! I mean, I know beggers can't be choosers...but 8 is a little extreme. I am not going to complain on the number I would just like 1 healthy baby. If we get more, I will consider them all blessings. I am just praying like crazy that this cramping is a good sign. I am not kidding about the cramping though. I was laid up on the couch all day yesterday. It was so bad I text messaged my friend Sherri to loan me a heating pad. She's awesome, so she did. I'm using it as I type this too! But, anyway, going back to last month's cycle. I am thinking that this cramping business is a good thing since last month I didn't have it and I wasn't pregnant either. This month I do...so am I? Unfortunately, we won't know anything until March 31. That's 12 days from now, and yes, I'm keeping count! So, I guess I am going to stop rambling on and relax...it's still really EARLY!

Happy St. Patrick's Day...Hoping for all the luck!

Well, I went in this morning to have my IUI and it was going pretty well. Then, I started having really bad cramps in the waiting room before my I even had my IUI so I was a little worried that it was going to hurt. I requested some Tylenol but only took it about 15 minutes before my IUI. It still hurt really bad. I have had 2 IUI's in the past and none of them felt like that before. My cervix was "hiding" so they had to dig for it. I thought I was going to come off that table. At least Dr. Kaufmann kept me entertained while my nurse was doing the procedure. Dr. Kaufmann walked over and looked at Josh's counts and then said, "Wow, way to hit the target in all measurable areas." and then he actually fist bumped Josh. It was really funny and helped to distract me from the extremely uncomfortable IUI I was having. Then it was all over and I got to go home, only after Dr. Kaufmann hovered his hands over my abdomen saying "swim" to the sperm. Since then, I've been having seriously sharp pains I am hoping they will subside soon. Here's to hoping St. Patrick's Day brought us luck!

If nothing else, at least we looked cute in our matching St. Patrick's Day shirts!


Even the dogs joined in the festivity!

Can you tell the neighbor's came outside and the dogs were not too happy about this?