Valentine's Day

I was pretty bummed out on Valentine's Day to say the least. It was the first day I was alone since we found out our baby died on Friday. Josh had to go back to work since he would be taking off to be home with me for my D&C surgery. I don't really remember doing much but crying that day. I felt badly because I normally make Josh a card and get him a prank Valentine's gift of some sort. This year was different because my whole world was shattered two days earlier. Around 4PM the doorbell rang and I generally don't open the door unless I know who is standing on the other side. For some reason I just assumed it was Josh and opened the door. It was not Josh. Instead, it was a delivery man sent by Josh. I really think I have the best husband in the world. I love Josh!!!!!

Heartache...

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown

Footprints

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
~Unknown

Little Snowdrop

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms, Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way For all eternity.
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.

Heartbroken

Words have failed me and I truly don't know what to say. The shock and tears won't go away. We went in for our ultrasound today hoping to get to hear the heartbeat and graduate to my regular OB if all went well and instead I was given pretty much the worst news I could dream of...there was no baby. I knew immediately looking at the screen there was a problem as my uterus (which I've seen many times thanks to infertility procedures) was all inky black. I'd never seen that before and there was no sac. Dr. K actually gasped a little as he starred at the screen. I thought it might have been Josh that gasped but I asked him later and he heard it too but said it wasn't him. Dr. K then confirmed there was no baby and asked us to take a minute and then meet him in the conference room. He walked out of the exam room telling us how sorry he was for us. That's when the tears started to roll down our cheeks. I didn't even know how I was going to stand up. I felt like jell-o. How could this be happening? What happened to the "kick ass beta numbers?" Why was this happening? Didn't we wait long enough for this baby? Isn't five years and countless tears prior enough for us to finally get our happy ending? Tears continued to flow and I just couldn't leave Josh's arms. I knew we needed to go to the conference room but I didn't want to go anywhere. A piece of us just died, how could we possibly go talk now? Sometimes you just have to find the courage to go on. We got ourselves together as best we could and walked to the conference room. Dr. K came in and once again extended his apologies. I know he's sincere as he and his wife went through the same heartbreak before having twins through IVF. Maybe that's what makes me feel so much better about Dr. K. He's been through it all himself and knows the pain you feel inside when things don't work. He stated he was truly blindsided by this and when he walked in the room to do the ultrasound he had no reason to believe it would turn out like this. I told him though I was in shock, I wasn't blindsided. He kind of looked at me funny. I told him though I didn't let the fear of the unknown keep me from being happy about being pregnant that I was certainly aware of statistics, and the fact that my sister had the same thing happen to her at 10 weeks. We then asked a lot of questions that didn't all have answers. Dr. K basically explained that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in my age group and it was just part of nature. He didn't see any reason to believe that I did or didn't do something to cause it and he explained to us that he would be doing some standard genetic testing to see if he could pinpoint a cause but he really felt it was just nature. I was given the option to let the pregnancy pass naturally or have a D&C and I chose D&C. Going through this is hard enough. I don't think I could handle the visible signs of a miscarriage if I could prevent it. Though there is no certainty that between now and Tuesday morning it won't happen on it's own...a least I know I made a choice. We were given a lot of information in that conference room and one of my biggest questions was where do we go from here? We were told that medically speaking it was a good news that we were able to conceive on our own. And then we were told that the time line would probably go as follows: D&C on Tuesday expect 4-6 weeks for cycle to return. Allow 2-3 cycles to happen before actively trying again. I asked if I should be on birth control in the meantime and he said based on my track record that as long as we aren't going out getting ovulation kits during that time we should be fine. So we took it all in and tried to focus on the fact that sometime this summer (my regular cycles are a month and a 1/2 apart) we should be able to try again. I'm really disappointed we have to wait that long but I'm more disappointed we are even going through this. It's been so hard. I feel like water works at any given time. We have such a strong support system but it doesn't really ease the pain of this at all. Many tears have been shed over the course of this weekend. I know our hearts will heal but it's terrible right now. My heart is broken and though it will heal and we will grow stronger from this, the pain is real. The tears are real. And the confusion is there. I trust that God has a plan for us. I believe in that plan whatever it may be; however, right now I believe my heart is broken and it's going to need time to heal. Rest in peace tiny baby of ours...

Snow??

It's snowing!!!! Josh and I and the dogs of course all went to the park down the street and played in the snow. Well, it was a foot of snow!! Fort Worth got a foot of snow!!! I'm not kidding!!! It's crazy! I also found out school is already cancelled for tomorrow so we get to play again, after we sleep in of course!!! Tomorrow is the big appointment!!! I'm so excited!!!

Feeling better

I started to feel better yesterday and my appetite is coming back. Maybe my body is finally getting used to being pregnant!!! Yippee!!! Right now, I'm just counting down the days until our 8week1day appointment where we will get to hear the heartbeat!!! I'm taking bets on if it's a boy or girl. We don't want to know but it's fun to guess! My brother-in-law is going with girl if it's 150 or higher. We shall see!!! I looked at the Chinese predictor thing and it's not helpful at all. Since I was 28 when I conceived it says the month of Dec would result in a girl and the month of January would be a boy. We know ovulation took place on Dec. 31 but did conception happen in Dec. or Jan.? We don't know...so what's your guess??